Spiritual Love Warrior

A matter of Faith

I’ve been numb lately, as if all my feelings were captured in a jar like summer fireflies. I’d go to work and come home only to lie on the couch and zone out to television. I couldn’t write or blog, and had to force myself to do a chore around the house. I thought I was catching the cold making it’s way through the office. Surely that must be why my energy levels have plummeted. Right?

Last evening, I realized I haven’t spoken/prayed to HIM in days.  This thought came upon me as suddenly as a gust of wind. Was my Guardian Angel telling me I’ve curled up into myself? 

This made me realize that I’m depressed, not sick. Something is bothering me and I’ve placed it and the rest of my feeling in a jar. At some point along the road of hiding my feelings, I stopped having my daily conversation with Jesus. Normally I pray and speak to him daily but I haven’t in a week or so.  I share everything with him and thank God for all that I’m given and done for me. My needs are met: a steady job, a roof over my head, food on the table, a reliable vehicle, even a faithful and loving companion (my cat). So what’s bothering me?

My conversation/prayer to Jesus

I prayed/spoke to Jesus, apologizing for my silence.  With each thought I shared came a tear. Each tear was more emotional than the next.  You see, I try my best to achieve a dream, doing my best to reach that goal. I fail, no matter how I try. My dream is just out of reach.

I try my best to feel accepted and  be a good person to others. In all honesty, I fail sometimes. I give out love, kindness, and charity, only to be met with the opposite.

I let it get to me how sometimes people shut me out, take out their feelings on me by being nasty to me for no reason. I let it get to me when they brush me off when I try to have a friendly conversation, as if what I have to say is not worth listening to. No matter how much I tried to stay positive, I let it get to me.

It made me feel  unworthy. With each word I shared with HIM, tears flowed. The lid from the jar holding my feelings opened up, and each firefly represented a feeling. I was angry and sad. I even scared my cat when I slammed a cabinet door.  Each tear became more torrent than the last. I apologized for my failings as I listed them out one by one.

I asked Jesus to help me. I told him I don’t like feeling like this. I begged him to speak to me and said, “It’s not like I can hear you when you do anyway, so why bother asking?”

Once my pity party for one completed, I said to him, “I know you love me. You are right here in my heart. I’m sorry for shutting you out, but you know when I’m upset about something, I curl up into myself to process it. Please forgive me.”

When I came across the below quote a year ago, it spoke to me. I connected with it, as if a synopsis of my life. This is what life is like for a sensitive person who has a slight gift of being an empath. 

Jesus’s answer to me

I received an answer and lead to read a passage in the bible. This sudden thought, as if not my own, is how he speaks to me. This is how he lets’ me hear him. No, I do not have the bible memorized and cannot spout quotes from specific passages, so when I’m lead to a specific spot, I know it’s him.

His response to those who treat me nastily:

Psalm 23 1:6

His response to when I feel weak and upset

Psalm 62, 1:2, 5-8

Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

After our conversation

He had a lot to say, as you can see. He’s right of course. Instead of jarring up my feelings and curling up in myself, I need to talk to him more because he’s always listening. He reminded me to trust in his plans for me, even when they don’t make sense at the time. He reminded me that he will take care of those who don’t follow his instructions as stated in John 13:34 . “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

Your homework

Think about the above bible entries and your current struggles. I was kindly reminded that I am not alone, and neither are you. As you make your way through life loving others and showing kindness and charity, remember when life gets tough, talk and pray to him. Ask him for help.

Talk to him right now and listen. If you have a sudden thought to read a bible entry, don’t ignore it. Pick up your bible and and open to the book, chapter and page that pops up into your mind. Read it and contemplate how it relates to your situation.

Have you experienced something similar? Share yours in the comments below, I’d love to hear about it.